This spring, we jumped into an important conversation called "Mind Games: Winning the Battle Within."  It’s important because our lives are so intense, with so much happening on the outside that we can physically see, that I’m not sure we even recognize that the real battle is spiritual, and what we are up against is happening on the inside.  The Christian life isn’t a playground; it’s a battlefield fought for your mind.  And what we have set out to do in this series is look at five of the most common Mind Games our enemy plays on us, and what happens when we replace those mind games with God’s Truth.  They are guilt, people-pleasing, self-doubt, entitlement, and unlovable thinking.

Last week, Ken talked to us about one of the most common mind games the enemy plays on us.  Do you remember what that was?  It was guilt and regret.  Ken helped us understand that to win the battle over guilt, we need to do three things.  First, we need to remember that we are in a spiritual battle.  Second, we must remember how powerful our thoughts are and take them captive.  And third, we must remember God’s grace and focus on God’s great love for you.  Every day, we must remind ourselves of where we are and who we are because of Jesus. If we don’t do this, we will lose the battle within, and Ken told us why, and I think it is an incredibly important point, and one that, if you stop and think about it, you have experienced.  Grace Leaks.  Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to feel peace and experience God in your quiet moments alone with Him, and how quickly you can lose sight of that peace and God the moment you step out into your day?  Yeah, me too.  That is why we encourage you to engage with God daily, spending time with Him in His Word and in prayer.  I really liked that statement about grace leaking, because it is so true.  If we don’t live in it and focus on it, we will forget all about it.  And that isn’t an accident; that is the spiritual war.

Today, we are going to talk about another mind game the enemy plays, and I’m just going to say it, this one is sneaky and dangerous because it is so hard to see in our lives.  It is a massive trap that so many get caught in, that wears us out, destroys our true identity, and smothers out our lives over time.  Today’s mind game is people-pleasing.   

Let me ask you some questions that we will revisit at the end of the talk.  What would your life look like if the only opinion of you that mattered was God’s?  What would you do?  How would you act around people?  What would you wear?  What would you drive?  How would you spend your money?  How would you talk?  How much of your life would you be posting about on social media?  What would you be posting about on social media?  I want you to think about this today.  If people, and how they look and feel about you would not matter, what would change in your life?  I love this quote…

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” Robert Quillen

People-pleasing is a mind game that is hard to deal with for many reasons.  First, the enemy is playing off a desire every human being has: we all want to be liked and accepted.  Second, people-pleasers are great people! It looks so good. These are the nicest and most helpful people you will ever meet!  They go out of their way to help and serve you. People-pleasers are great to have around, and they are helpful, kind, and would do anything to make sure you feel good. They never say no!  These are the wonderful people of the world that everyone likes!  So how could any of that be a problem or a bad thing?  Aren’t we supposed to be kind, love, and serve?  This is also a tough one because, a people-pleasers highest priority is not God, it’s people and their approval, which means they are seeking approval from the wrong thing, and typically they aren’t spending time with God to know who they are, and if you don’t know who you are it is easy to lose yourself, and when you lose yourself, you tend to not act like yourself, you turn into whoever you are around.  And you may fit in, and look good to people, but it is so damaging to you, to the people in your life, and to your ability to share God with others.  

This is a tough one, especially when you are trying to find your value in people, because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t please everyone.  You can look great, happy, kind, and impressive on the outside, while feeling completely exhausted on the inside.  You say yes when you should say no.  You avoid conflict at all costs.  You carry burdens that God never asked you to carry, and, over time, as you seek the approval of others rather than God, you end up losing yourself.  And I think many of us can relate to this.  Here’s an awesome quote to think through… 

“If everyone likes you, then you probably don’t.”  Sasha Tozzi

Make no mistake about it, this is a brutal mind game the enemy plays.  It’s so easy to fall into this trap, and like a drug addiction, we can become so consumed with fulfilling the need to please that it can take everything from us over time.  And I want you to see why.  When our sense of worth comes from people's approval, we can get trapped in a cycle where we pretend to be something we aren’t for so long that we lose who we truly are.  And there is so much damage in our lives when we lose who we truly are. 

Let’s start with this: in the Christian life, God calls us to do two things.  Do you know what they are?  Love God and love others.  Jesus told us these are the two most important things we can do; everything else hangs from those two commands.  But we need to learn to love others well, without losing who God created us to be in the process. You see, that is one of the worst things about the people-pleasing mind game.  When we fall into this trap, we aren’t living real, authentic lives; we are hiding our God-created selves to look good to people rather than God.  And I like to point out, acting like something we aren’t, is exhausting.  It is so tough, because we just want to be liked, and if we aren’t careful the enemy slips into our minds and gets us to accept and believe that the real us is not enough, and once we believe that we hide our true self and work hard to fit in, and you might do a decent job of it, and look good to people but scripture tells us not to conform or fit into this world but be transformed into new people by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2). Let’s read that in the Message version because it shows the importance of not allowing the world to bully us into fitting in like that.

Romans 12:2 Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. MSG

Listen, we all want to be liked, valued, and appreciated.  But if we aren’t careful, we can cross over a line from healthy affirmation and love into people-pleasing, which Scripture calls a trap. 

Proverbs 29:25 Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. NLT

So, with the time we have left today, I want to walk you through 5 Important Truths about this dangerous trap that Scripture warns us about. 

Truth 1: The trap is that we tie our self-worth to other people’s approval.  At the very core of this people-pleasing mind game is this.  “I need you to like me.” We want to be liked, accepted, and needed, but when this becomes our foundation, everything else shifts.  Our lives and how we live end up being driven by fears of rejection, conflict, invisibility, and feeling inadequate, because we just can’t make everyone happy.  On top of not being able to please everyone, Scripture tells us, we also can’t please both God and people. 

Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. NIV

I think about that line from Paul a lot. It can feel harsh if you are struggling with this, but I think it needs to be.  Because whatever you are allowing to define your worth is controlling your life, and we want God to run our lives, not people.

Truth 2: Jesus loved people, but He didn’t please everyone.  Jesus was compassionate, loving, and served, but he was not a people-pleaser.  He spoke the truth in love, even if it upset people, and many left him because of it. He often said no to crowds of people who needed help, who wanted things, and had expectations of Him, but he was able to say no because He knew who He was, where He was going, and who He was living for.  This is one of my favorite moments in Jesus’ life, a massive lesson for us all.

Mark 1:35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. 36 Simon and his companions went to look for him, 37 and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” 38 Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” NIV

Can you feel this moment?  First, Jesus spends the time with God needed to not be pulled around by people, but the disciples are excited, people are coming in droves, good people, who need his help. You can feel the pressure, can’t you?  What would you do?  Jesus stays true to who He is and what He is called to do, which leads us into the third truth we must embrace. 

Truth 3: We find our identity and value in God.  Listen, we are to live and love well, and people-pleasers may think they are, but they can’t until they change where they find their identity and self-worth.  Jesus was incredible at this; he didn’t do things to gain God’s approval. He did things knowing He already had God’s approval.  That is awesome, but a real challenge for so many of us to understand, and the only way we ever will is to accept and anchor our identity and self-worth in God.  It’s not about what we do, it’s about what He did.  That’s the grace Ken told us we must anchor to each day. If we don’t, it can leak, and we can lose sight of it. If we do, everything can change, and we walk in confidence and freedom, as Jesus did.   We can say no without guilt, handle conflict without fear, and be honest and authentic in life. 

But, before we go any further, I want to stop and talk for a moment about this idea of how God loves us, because it can be hard for us to truly understand, because it isn’t something we have experienced in our lives growing up.  And so often, what happens to us growing up is what we carry through our entire lives.  Maybe you had a parent, not necessarily a bad parent, but someone who made you feel like you had to earn their love.  They showed you love when you performed well or achieved something, but when you failed, messed up, or struggled, something shifted.  They weren’t as warm or loving toward you.  Maybe you played a sport or musical instrument growing up, and when you played well, your dad cheered or told everyone how great you were, and was the first to meet you as you came off the field or stage.  But when you didn’t play well, he just stayed away a bit more, and the car ride home was quiet; in your heart and mind, as a child, your performance seemed to determine his mood.  Maybe it was about cleaning your room or doing chores, or your report card, but somehow you saw that if you achieved and did well, you were accepted and loved and your parents were proud, and if you messed up, they were distant, and you knew you let them down…and you wore that as a child.  It became what you understood love to be, and you carried that into your life. It makes it hard to understand God’s love, because the concept of love you learned first was the opposite.

This is why we must allow God to renew our minds and transform us into new people because if we don’t, we stay stuck in things we accepted as children and teenagers and it follows us all through life, and it won’t get better, it keeps getting worse, following you into relationships, friendships, marriage, parenting, and your spiritual family, and flows right into how you believe God is seeing you!  You can’t relax; you can’t say no; and you are constantly trying to earn something God has already given you: His approval, acceptance, and love.  Let’s contrast that thinking to how Jesus did things.  I want you to think about a beautiful moment in Jesus’ life where He was baptized by His cousin, John, before starting His ministry. 

Matthew 3:16-17 As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. 17 And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” NIV

Ok, this is beautiful, and we need to see this.  Before Jesus preaches a sermon, heals anyone, or performs incredible miracles, His Heavenly Father makes sure He understands something. 

Matthew 3:17 “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” NIV

Jesus hasn’t done anything publicly yet.  No ministry, miracles, or accomplishments yet.  Jesus didn’t live trying to earn God’s love; He lived understanding that He is loved by God and didn’t need to earn God's approval.  He knew that He already had it.  So many of us walk through life never grasping this, almost arguing against this, and doing the opposite of what Jesus does, even as we say we are trying to live like Him.  We live like God will love us more if we do more, or God will accept us if we don’t mess up, or God will be pleased with us if we can earn it from Him and other people, but that isn’t what Scripture says at all.   

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. NIV

So, think about that.  Before you got it right.  Before you cleaned yourself up.  Before you proved anything, God loved you, chose you, and cared for you enough to save you.  This is why our identity and self-worth matter so much.  If you can’t settle into the idea that you are already loved and accepted in Christ, then you will spend your life trying to earn something you already have, which is an exhausting exercise that never allows us to stand in our true selves, which is so important if we are going to live in this new life we all desire.  When we see and accept the truth that we are loved and accepted, life is different.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a line from Scripture that comes up a lot.  It comes up eight times in our Bibles, it’s found in the Old Testament and the New, and you know what I say about Scripture on repeat, we need to pay attention.  And 8 times, it must be important. 

Mark 12:31 Jesus said: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” NIV 

It is interesting how Christians respond to this statement.  Because many read this and set out to figure out who exactly their neighbor is, they don’t realize it, but they are basically saying, "Who exactly is it that God is saying that I’m stuck loving?”  But that isn’t the right question to be asking.  The better question is, who am I?  Because if I don’t know who I am, I can’t love the way I would love myself.  It’s hard to love when we are fake, trying to posture and impress others.  If you don’t have a healthy identity, I’m just not sure you can love well, and the Christian life is about living and loving well. 

Truth 4: Healthy boundaries are a good thing!  One of the biggest struggles for a people-pleaser is to say this word.  NO!  So many of us think that if I say no, they won’t like us.  If I disagree, I will lose the relationship…but that is fear talking.  The truth is that you can love and still have boundaries.  We saw earlier that Jesus had boundaries and said no at times.  He didn’t heal everyone, he didn’t meet every demand, and he didn’t say yes to every request.  Why?  Because he knew who He was, why He was here, and was living for God.  Here’s something important to remember about this idea of boundaries in your life.  Remember, whether you like it or not, you have limits; there is only so much of you to go around, so setting boundaries is more than a good thing; it is essential.

“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none.” Lizzie Moult

Truth 5: When we break free from this trap, we stop living in fear.  People-pleasing is wrapped in fear, lots of fears, rejection, conflict, and not being enough, of being alone, and on we could go…but as Christians, we are not to live fearful lives.

2 Timothy 1:7 God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control. NCV

So, that is great, but what do we do with this?  People are so tough, and we all want to be liked.  Well, we replace fear with truth.  We settle into the truth that we are already accepted in Christ.  We don’t have to earn love.  We don’t have to perform for approval, and slowly, over time, as we consistently think about this, we begin to believe it and live in that relaxing freedom.  We start to rebuild our sense of self-worth from the inside out, and all those things we thought were weaknesses, maybe things we didn’t like about ourselves, become strengths we are happy to have in our lives.  Our compassion, kindness, that desire to help others, they are not problems, or weaknesses, they just need to be anchored to the right thing, and the right thing is God, not the imperfect people of this world!

Let’s go back to those questions that we started with today. 

What would your life look like if the only opinion of you that mattered was God’s?  What would you do?  How would you act around people?  What would you wear?  What would you drive?  How would you spend your money?  How would you talk?  How much of your life would you be posting about on social media?  What would you be posting about on social media?  I want you to think about this today.  If people, and how they look and feel about you would not matter, what would change in your life?    

You know, if there was one thing I would want you to embrace today, it would be just how loved you are by God.  If you struggle with people-pleasing and are exhausted trying to earn love, acceptance, and approval, I just want you to slow down and think this through.  You are loved by God, just as you are.  You are accepted by God just as you are.  You have his approval, just as you are.  How does that hit your heart today?  I know it’s hard because you know yourself so well, and I know you still have that inner child who may have believed you had to perform well to earn love, but try to settle into this.  You are loved and accepted, just as you are, long before you cleaned up your life, while we were still a mess, Christ died for us.  What if that was true?  What if you are enough?  What if you are worthy of His love and you already have it?  And we will end right here today. What would change in your life if the only approval that mattered was God’s and you knew you already had it?